A couple of things of note today; a note was passed to me in class just like in high school, and I had dinner with Simon, and my mom and I had a long talk.  So I presented it all…. with some random stray thoughts….

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In my one of my grad classes, there are about 50 of us in it.  Not a dumb shit in the group.  Yet some people have not had any work experiences, so at times I find their viewpoints to be completely naïve and impractical.  Then again, I do have a Machiavellian view on some many things in life, including work, and what motivates people.

Today we were having a discussion about motivations, and I referenced the old Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.  My professor smiled big time, but it amazed me how few people in the class had heard of it.  Did they not ever take Psych 101?  It was like I was speaking French suddenly.  People looked like I was crazy!  Thank gawd the professor smiled or I would have lost it.

After this particular discussion and class ended, a woman actually passed me a hand written note. I had not had one of these handed to me since sophomore year in High School.  WTF?  It was an interesting note, almost gushing about me.  I was like, huh?  She closed with her phone number and asked me out for coffee.

OK, thank you for the interest, and the offer and —- WAIT!!!  When did we start passing notes like in high school again? 

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Simon and I had an early dinner tonight.  It had been a while since we last had a long talk.  I think he realizes he broke my trust back in January; he is playing it very cautious with me now.  There is a strain in our relationship, with me it is all about trust.

I am glad that Simon introduced me to Albert, and the whole muse thing gives me pleasure.  Yet, I think he thought by now I would be fucking him or something else.  Whatever happens there happens.  I think Simon has this delusion about me, that I can be his puppet.  Well he is learning otherwise with me.  Sure, other girls that are not in my financial position might be more willing to do things for him, but he knew about my background.  I am not sure what he thinks I should be doing….  Oh fuck it…

I have to say, it was a strange meal.  I mean, the food and service was excellent, just the conversation was weird.  AND I do hate eating dinner early! 

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Trust for me is huge.  If I trust you, I will fucking do anything for you.  I mean ANYTHING!  ANY-FUCKING-THING YOU WANT!  But if I think you are playing me, or not being trustworthy, especially being honest with me, I will not fucking trust you.  Trust is earned, not just given.

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One my way home from dinner, I had a phone call with my mom.  Since it takes about 50 minutes to get home, we had plenty of time to talk.  Yes, I have a headset! –pfffffttttttt  The reason for the phone call was three fold; she wanted to make sure that I felt like I was getting attention (she worries about that) and two other topics that she wanted to discuss. 

Question:  If you are a submissive, when does the other person really know your boundaries?  I know there are safe words and protocols and all sorts of other way to communicate, but what if the submissive has lost herself or himself completely and allows things to happen? 

After the usual “gossip” update with my mom, and her thanking me again and again for taking care of the Carmel house (I think she was a little stunned that the house did not burn down during her absence.) and for me being there for my dad.  She is cute, she tries to pretend that she is over her marriage but in a sense, the only major things that have changed between them is less sex and time together.  They still talk almost daily. 

My mom was in a good mood, so switching the conversation to her other topics was not going to be pleasant, or easy for the two of us to talk about, but it had to be done.  I was also keenly aware that I was bring up two subjects that were going to touch her nerve about being a good mother while still being a swinging submissive.  So much shit is coming out, between her therapy and my need to confront everything lately; it is amazing any of us are sane.  But for me it is important that we do it.

The first sub issues had to do with something that happened at a party.  Some of you might know what I am talking about (if you found the hidden link to Bones), and I am not going to rehash the whole thing.  Basically the questions was what did she really see, and what really happened in that room.  For the most part, my mom stuck to the story she had said before but she did admit that T2 issues made her wonder.  She does remember drinking and pill popping that night which is something that I suspected.   I am guessing we really will not ever really know. 

The second sub issue is something that my dad told me about in concerns with my oldest brother and some of his previous actions.  I am still processing all if it and I wanted to get my mom’s side of the story.  She was pretty open about it, despite the subject being completely not normal and completely taboo.  For my mom, I think she was happy that suddenly her daughters are aware of what was happening to her, and that we are completely on her side.  I will be thinking more on this subject over the next few days.

Random Thought:  When did I become friends with my mom?  Suddenly now we are like sisters and confidants?  I know the change started over a year or so ago, but suddenly we are just open with each other – completely open.  It is nice.

Mom did mention that T2 had read part of my entry about my parents to her.  She was amazed how open I was being about everything, and accepting.  She said that she felt I had been amazing honest and fair about them.  There are times I think my mom has a desire to play the victim card but I refuse to let her.  She is an adult, and she did make her decisions.  I did tell her about the fact that everyone wants to hear more “mom” stories on my blog.  That amazed her, and then she admitted that it turned her on!   Turned her on?  Sex stories about my mom?  Oh yeah, she is a submissive who enjoyed public humiliation.  OF COURSE SHE ENJOYS IT!

Observation for Ms. Spokane:  You are not the first person to suggest that I dominate my mother. I am not sure that is really something I want – other than the odd fetish fantasy.  I do know that you are not alone in that comment; I have heard it numerous times over the years.  Do I think she is looking to be a submissive?  No, I do not think she is actively looking to be one at this time.  Her current status of being single is new and exciting.  Is she still a submissive.   Hell yeah she is!

One last point about my mom and my big brother, there is more here than I know.  AND there is more bizarre than I care to know.  I still wonder about all of the timing of these events.  Something does not completely add up, and I have a feeling that my dad is in the mix of all of it.  More on it later after I think about it all. 

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Did I ever tell you about the conversation I had with my Auntie D about growing up?

When I was 16, I went to Europe with Auntie D, and two other girl cousins.  By the time we got to Greece, the two older cousins had left to head back to the States, so it was just me and Auntie.  We were best buddies, and she is just a blast to be around.  But like my dad, she has dark moments.

One night we had a long talk about her father, and how abusive he was with his kids.  It was an eye opener since I had never heard the stories before.  I will admit, they did turn me on, but I am glad I did not live through that type of abuse.  It seemed that dear old Grand-dad idea of family fun included the occasional lets fuck the girls.  All the boys had to participate.  It happened many times.  All six boys would take turns on one of the two girls.  It was almost ritualized.

Over a week period that summer, Auntie D for the first time in her life told someone what had happened to her.  It was an astonishing mental journey.  She told me so many things, and she even confessed to me that she had strong sexual desires about my dad.  She swore me to secrecy, and for years I kept it to myself.  

I post this here because it is part of the puzzle of my family…  part of the reason behind my dad’s actions…

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One last thing from today….

One of the geek dudes that I have been talking with at school was asking me about the type of games I like to play and why.  It turns out that he has seen my Dark Heart avatar in SWTOR.  Oh …..  small world…